Have you ever felt torn between two conflicting emotions or desires? Perhaps you’re grateful for your recovery but still struggle with anxiety about the future. Or maybe you’re excited about the possibilities of a healthier lifestyle, but also frustrated by the limitations. Today, we’re diving into a powerful mindset shift that can help you navigate these complex feelings: ‘both/and thinking’.
Listen here and read on for more ...
When Recovery Hurts More Than You Expected
No one really prepares you for this part of cardiac recovery.
Yes, there’s the physical healing, the sternum, the scar, the breathlessness, the fatigue. But for many people, the deepest pain shows up quietly in day-to-day life:
- The anxiety that flares every time your heart rate rises
- The fear that exercise might do more harm than good
- The grief that comes with changing how you eat, drink, socialise, or relax
- The mental exhaustion of monitoring symptoms and medications
- The frustration of being told “you’re doing well” while feeling anything but
You might be following the diet advice and secretly missing comfort foods. You might know exercise is good for your heart and feel terrified every time you try. You might be relieved to have survived and struggling with low mood, panic, or a sense of loss.
This inner conflict is exhausting. And it often creates a second layer of suffering, the belief that you shouldn’t feel this way.
This is exactly where Both/And thinking can begin to ease the emotional pain of recovery. It doesn’t take the challenges away but it stops you fighting yourself while you face them. If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “I should feel grateful… so why do I still feel scared, angry, or exhausted?”
I want you to know this straight away:
- Nothing has gone wrong.
- This is heart recovery.
Living with and beyond a cardiac event isn’t just about healing the heart muscle. It’s about making sense of everything that comes with it, the shock, the grief, the relief, the fear, the hope, and the sheer effort of rebuilding a life that suddenly looks different.
And this is where Both/And Thinking becomes one of the most powerful tools you can carry with you.
What Is Both/And Thinking?
Most of us were taught to think in either/or terms:
- I’m coping or I’m not
- I’m positive or I’m negative
- I’m strong or I’m weak
But recovery doesn’t work like that.
Both/And thinking allows two things to be true at the same time without one cancelling the other out.
You can be grateful and grieving.
You can be doing well and still struggling.
You can be hopeful and scared stiff.
You can eat cake and have a healthy diet.
This isn’t sitting on the fence. It’s emotional maturity. And after a heart event, it’s often essential.
Why Either/Or Thinking Can Make Recovery Harder
After surgery or a heart attack, many people feel pressure from others or from themselves to:
- “Stay positive”
- “Be grateful you’re alive”
- “Move on now”
But when we force ourselves into either/or thinking, difficult emotions don’t disappear. They just go underground, they go deep inside us.
That’s when we see:
- Anxiety that won’t settle
- Guilt for not feeling thankful enough
- Anger that feels “unacceptable”
- Emotional shutdown
Both/And thinking gives those emotions somewhere safe to exist.
How Both/And Thinking Supports Cardiac Recovery
From a psychological point of view, this mindset:
- Reduces emotional stress on the nervous system
- Builds self-compassion instead of self-criticism
- Improves emotional regulation
- Increases resilience during setbacks
- Supports long-term mental wellbeing
In simple terms, it takes the pressure off your heart both emotionally and physically.
Both/And Examples for Life After a Cardiac Event
These are real, everyday examples I hear again and again from people living with heart conditions. See which ones land for you.
- “I’m grateful to be alive and I’m angry this happened to me.” Gratitude doesn’t erase trauma. Both deserve space.
- “I’m recovering well and I’m scared it could happen again.” Fear after a cardiac event is normal — not a failure of mindset.
- “I want to be healthier and I miss my old life.” Lifestyle changes often involve grief. That doesn’t mean you’re unmotivated.
- “I’m stronger than I realise and some days I feel completely worn out.” Strength doesn’t cancel out fatigue, especially cardiac fatigue.
- “I trust my medical team and I still feel anxious between appointments.” Reassurance and anxiety often coexist.
- “I’m proud of how far I’ve come and I wish recovery were faster.” Progress doesn’t mean impatience disappears.
- “Exercise is helping my heart and it sometimes scares me.” Fear of exertion is incredibly common and understandable.
- “I love my family’s support and I need space to process this alone.” Needing space isn’t rejection, it’s regulation.
- “I look ‘fine’ on the outside and I’m still healing on the inside.” Invisible recovery is still recovery.
- “I’m learning my limits and I don’t like having them.” Acceptance doesn’t mean approval.
- “I’m hopeful about the future and I feel vulnerable in my body.” Hope doesn’t remove body-based fear.
- “I’m doing everything ‘right’ and I still have bad days.” Bad days are not evidence of failure.
- “My heart saved my life and it changed my life forever.” Both can be true and often are.
How to Gently Practice Both/And Thinking
This isn’t about forcing yourself to think differently. It’s about noticing.
- Catch the Either/Or Language
Listen for words like should, shouldn’t, must, only, always. Then try adding: “and…”
- Use Journaling as a Safe Container
Try this sentence: “Part of me feels ___, and another part of me feels ___.” Complete it with your words and then go on to describe how it makes you feel. No fixing required.
- Slow the Nervous System First
Both/And thinking works best when your body feels safer. Breathing, grounding, and gentle movement all help your brain tolerate complexity.
- Practise Self-Compassion, Not Positivity
You don’t need silver linings. You need kindness.
- Share With People Who Get It
Talking to your heartie community reduces shame. You’re not meant to do this alone.
And now a Final Word From Me
Heart recovery is not a straight line. It’s not neat. And it’s certainly not emotionally simple. Both/And thinking gives you permission to stop arguing with yourself and explaining to others how you really feel.
You don’t have to choose between gratitude and grief. You don’t have to pick strength or vulnerability. You get to be human and healing.
If this resonated, I’d love you to reflect in your journalling on one place in your recovery where you’ve been forcing an either/or… and gently offer yourself a both/and instead. Your heart has already done something extraordinary.
Now your mind deserves the same compassion. This is why I have decided to create a Heart-Led Cardiac Membership Club. A unique support club of hearties, by becoming a member, you will have monthly interactive access to:
- A Live Online Learning/Coaching Session with a replay. I will discuss topics just like this article, and you will get to ask questions and get involved.
- A Live Online Heart 2 Heart Get Together & Chat, also with a replay option. This will be directed by the club members, maybe general chat, perhaps a quiz, an ask me anything or a coaching session.
- A Reiki Energy Distance Healing
- A Guided Relaxation Recording
- A Private Community Group
There will be Special Guest Speakers, downloadable resources, plus you get input about the content of the sessions and get together topics. Don’t miss out, click the link to join my waiting list for more information. No commitment, just find out more and get an invite to be a founding member. You can unsubscribe at any time.
Let me remind you ….. You are loved more than you will ever know. You are admired by more people than you’d ever expect. You are worthy of joy, happiness and adoration. You are one of a kind, unique and priceless. You are the only one who can be you. Be proud. Be bold. Be you!
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